America, Liberals Have Come Down With a Bad Case of TDS

Is Donald Trump driving the media crazy?
Is Donald Trump driving the media crazy? (Reuters)

An epidemic of biblical proportion is spreading across the fruited plain at this very hour.

The Centers for Disease Control has yet to identify the malady—but it seems to be an isolated outbreak impacting liberals, millennials, fashion designers, Hollywood celebrities and the entire prime-time lineup at CNN.

The affliction is called Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). Symptoms include delusional ranting and a feverish flop sweat.

I write extensively about the epidemic in my new book, The Deplorables' Guide to Making America Great Again. Liberals say it's the most deplorable book in America.

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Congressional Democrats have become so incapacitated by the illness that dozens will be unable to attend president-elect Trump's inauguration.

Georgia Congressman John Lewis was stricken with a rare strain of the disease that caused him to foam at the mouth while muttering about Trump being an illegitimate president.

Based upon his unintelligible ramblings, I'm afraid the congressman's cheese has done slid off his cracker.

Meanwhile, a number of Radio City Music Hall Rockettes were also infected—causing some to weep uncontrollably after they learned they would be performing for the new president.

"This was such a horrible bomb to drop on us at Christmas," one of the dancing girls told Marie Claire magazine. "We work so hard, we're so tired. We're sleep-deprived, our bodies are exhausted. We don't really have lives, even in our off-season ... we really respect each other, and care about each other, and that's why this is so difficult."

How terribly unfair it must be for the Rockettes to earn a paycheck by performing for people who share differing political opinions.

Trump Derangement Syndrome is a cruel disease that has even impacted the nation's religious community.

All Saints Church Episcopal church in Pasadena, California, has decided to refrain from mentioning the president-elect's name during prayers over fears it might trigger micro-aggressions among parishioners.

Meanwhile, reports of some congregants spontaneously combusting upon hearing Trump's name have been proven untrue.

There are also unconfirmed reports that San Francisco, Brooklyn and Los Angeles have been designated as sanctuary cities to house the afflicted.

Researchers are not sure if Trump Derangement Syndrome will dissipate after Inauguration Day—but there are fears it might linger.

So if you come across an afflicted liberal—please direct them to the nearest safe space or containment zone.

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