Note: C.S. Lewis’ “The Screwtape Letters” is a popular satire that defines good as evil and evil as good in fictional letters that a demon named Screwtape sends to his nephew Wormwood as he attempts to lure a human victim into the pits of hell during World War II. In a similar vein, Timothy Plan Vice President of Marketing Cheryl Mumbert has reimagined Lewis’ work in light of today’s modern world of investments and biblical stewardship, with “Uncle Baal” counseling junior demon “Asherah.”
My dear niece Asherah:
You have failed miserably, and the consequences will be as bad as you can imagine. You could have kept the patient from discovering Biblically Responsible Investing with our tried-and-true methods of clickbait with intriguing images, random phone calls, the fake urgency of constantly checking email and the always reliable blackhole of social media. You allowed the patient to learn how we use his money, and that was the beginning of the end—at least for you.
You had initial success stoking the lovely fires of his ravenous greed so he cared only about growing his investments and making more money (why does the enemy insist on calling greed a sin? As usual, he gets things backwards). Instead, you let the enemy show him that love of money would lead him ultimately to the realm of our father below. Forever. A delicious thought, indeed.
How in the name of our father below did you let him discover those abominable investment filters? I can barely speak of them. Those despicable humans must keep investing in our kingdom, not the enemy’s. Their money by rights should support lust, greed and death. Instead, you’ve allowed him to affirm what the enemy calls the dignity of work and the honorable habits of deferred gratification. We want them screaming for gratification, now and forever, first in their present, disgusting lives and then with us, everlastingly.
Our methods have caused those wretched vermin to financially support all kinds of wonderful causes, like the slaughter of babies (the enemy calls them “innocents,” whatever he thinks he means by that—we all know they deserve to be cursed). Not only did you lie in your reports about him changing his investments from those we find intensely desirable here below, but you somehow ensured that he learned which companies in his financial portfolio had been donating to Planned Parenthood and our other excellent causes.
You were supposed to push him to self-righteously confess one set of values—the enemy’s—while guiding him to invest contrary to those values, making him delightfully hypocritical. If we can’t have his soul, we should at least have his money.
Now we are no longer able to use his work ethic and industriousness for our Great Cause of destroying them through social credit scoring investing—environmental, social and corporate governance (ESG)—made so prominent by our faithful servants on Wall Street. Your patient used to love tech funds, but now thanks to these filters, he is fully aware that his money has supported human trafficking through profitable mutual funds, and he stopped it. Asherah, you’re a fool, even for a lesser demon.
The utterly infuriating thing is that the enemy actually prospers from the Biblically Responsible Investing model. He has always been the most unfair adversary. You let slip that 90% of the companies he can invest in DO NOT SUPPORT OUR CAUSES.
Your patient has become adamant against any investment in pornography, and not only on our favorite sites, but on streaming platforms like Netflix. He insists on doing his puny, inconsequential part to remove investments in tobacco, as if that will make a difference to cigarette sales around the world. You forget that cancer is our friend. Smoking hastens their arrival here below before they can be swayed to the enemy’s camp.
Asherah, we gave you plenty of weapons to prevent your patient from hearing the enemy’s calls. We taught you how to foster greed, entitlement, stupidity and arrogance. You were supposed to use them on your patient, not embrace them yourself. You’re no longer even a useful idiot to us.
Of course, as the diligent student you once were, you realize that stupidity, if not outright imperious ignorance, should have been your strongest ally in derailing your patient. You must block their ears from the enemy’s song, even if you can’t hear it yourself without running and hiding under your patient’s bed. As you know, we love humans who reject the kind of personal responsibility your patient now embraces.
You would be wise to stop blaming your Uncle Baal for your failure. Blaming others and blaming the enemy is the most scrumptious trait in a human, but you’re only making things worse for yourself.
The enemy has always made his own rules and cheated us, but now the enemy has rekindled the patient’s heart to understand the ramifications of his daily, banal activities, including his meager investments. Biblically Responsible Investing is intolerable to us. And now, so are you.
You let the enemy have your patient’s life, but now his money too? My dear Asherah, I will not even try to soften your punishment. I know a little of the terror you should be feeling. It’s dark here, and the wailing never stops. Unlike your patient who has chosen Biblically Responsible Investing, you will make a delightful snack.
Your affectionate uncle,
Baal {eoa}
Cheryl Mumbert is the Vice President of Marketing at Timothy Plan, the leader in Biblically Responsible Investing.
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