Adoptive Parents Address Awkward Questions People Ask

When Nikki and Erik Vonderhaar began the adoption process three years ago, they had no idea how much it would change their lives. Today their daughter Zoe beams, reflecting the love that nurturing parents and so many friends shower on her.

Yet even in a highly diverse area like Washington, D.C., the Vonderhaars present a family picture not everyone understands. Why would two upwardly mobile young professionals open their hearts and home to adoption?

After sharing how they came to receive Zoe into their family, they relate the everyday challenges—and unexpected surprises—they’ve experienced together.

Bound4LIFE: Because adoption is counter-cultural in our day, it can lead to inconsiderate remarks. Could you share some of the awkward questions you’ve received and how you respond?

Erik: It does happen! We get those less often now, but we’ve had some good ones, especially when she was smaller.

Nikki: I was at the grocery store—obviously, Zoe and I don’t look the same. We’re checking out and the cashier said, “Oh, she’s so cute. Does she look like her dad?”

All I could reply was, “You know, I have no idea.” When it lingered a little bit, she had this look of horror on her face. “She’s adopted,” I clarified and smiled.

So our response is usually with humor or lighthearted sarcasm. It helps people think about what they’re saying versus us being offended by it. People often don’t know or understand adoptive families and if we can help educate them, that’s great. Our responses may change as she gets older; maybe she’ll have that bright sarcasm herself, who knows?

The best book I’ve ever read on adoption is Come Rain or Come Shine—even if you’re not facing a transracial adoption, it’s worth a read. The author talks about how you may think people come up to you because they’re put off by your adoptive family; but really, most people ask questions out of pure motives or because they want to be helpful.

When people offer advice on Zoe’s hair, braiding and so on, I don’t get offended; I’m thankful for it. Mostly, I get compliments on her hair, which makes me feel so good.

Erik: If you assume people are approaching with a good heart—no one’s trying to be mean—then even comments we could take as inappropriate become a good conversation starter.  

Nikki: An awkward comment that we’ve heard when we would tell people that we were adopting is, “Oh that’s great, I have friends who adopted and then got pregnant!” as if adopting would somehow result in us getting pregnant. Although well-meaning, it can be wearing on a couple pursuing adoption.

The best thing someone can do is to affirm and support the unique calling of adoption God has placed on your hearts. We prayed about this, we heard from God and we’re moving forward. Our point is not to get pregnant; our point is to do what we felt God said to do.

Erik: I really do think they’re trying to be encouraging, but what they’re saying without realizing it is: Adoption is second best. They give anecdotes that imply: “Don’t worry, you guys will get pregnant too and have a ‘kid of your own.'”

Zoe is our own, and adoption is not a “consolation prize” to having a biological child. 

Bound4LIFE: This leads us naturally to a new chapter now unfolding in your story. Could you share the latest news and how it’s changed your life? 

Erik: When Zoe was about a year old, we found out we were pregnant again. Considering the multiple pregnancies that had not worked out before, we were stressed about it to be honest. It was difficult to think about going through another miscarriage.

We were preparing ourselves for an emotional rollercoaster rather than being really joyful about it. With our history, the OB/GYN characterized this pregnancy as high risk.

Then we hit the baby’s 10-week mark, then 12 weeks—we’re now just a few weeks from the due date and her doctor is saying everything is going great!

Nikki: This is the first pregnancy where we knew early enough to be able to take corrective action. The doctors prescribed certain medications that would help keep the pregnancy on course.

As we’ve progressed through this pregnancy and things have gone well, some of the fears and anxieties that we initially felt have subsided.

Erik: It’s only been fairly recently where we have let ourselves fully have that attachment to the baby and begin to dream about his future. The doctors keep telling us that the measurements are right where they need to be and everything is lining up perfectly, praise God.

Nikki: We spoke earlier about how God gives us the desires of our hearts. One thing I always wanted was children close together in age.

Through Bethany, you have to wait until you have your first adopted child for a year before you are able to start the process for your second adoption. Then you have the same potential wait time, anywhere from 1 to 3 years.

Before Zoe turned 1, I remember us talking: “Let’s wait to restart the adoption process, we’re enjoying our time with Zoe.” We didn’t feel the urgency to start the adoption process as we did the first time around.

Shortly after that, we found out we were pregnant! Only God could do that; there wasn’t any other way possible for our children to be close in age.