Breaking News: Woman Comes Out as Canine

A woman has decided to "come out" as a dog.
A woman has decided to "come out" as a dog. (Flickr/Creative Commons)

I just received this breaking news report out of Boulder, Colorado, submitted by J. B. Bernstein:

A 34 year-old female has redefined coming out of the closet. People Magazine announced it will feature her story in their upcoming August issue highlighting her honesty and courage. 

Sandra Jones tells it this way:  

Growing up, I knew there was something different about me. My parents noticed it. My aunts and uncles noticed it, and my teachers were very concerned about my behavior.

As a toddler I had zero motivation to walk like other kids but crawled on all fours until I was a tween, when my parents gave me no choice.

It was at the tender age of 7 that I finally understood why I panted deeply and rapidly with my tongue hanging out of my mouth. At first the doctors thought I had COPD but my lungs were normal and I never had a breathing problem. They, like many professionals, were puzzled. 

As I grew from a toddler to a young child, I refused to eat with regular utensils yet found it natural to eat and drink from a bowl. My understanding mom would place my food and beverage in two separate bowls next to each other on the floor under the kitchen table.

During family meals I ate on all fours while my siblings ate sitting on chairs at the table above. Ever since I remember I would gobble up whatever dropped from their plates. In time, they purposely dropped whatever they didn't like and I would eat it. Trust me, I have had my share of liver and spinach.

In school I often found myself in the principal's office for sniffing other kids' butts and at the age of 12 it dawned on me I was a dog trapped in a human female body! 

As I think back, my folks were so understanding because as I became older, when I refused to sit on the toilet, I would feel deeply loved as my folks cleaned up after me with a pooper scooper until I was old enough to leave home. 

I have come out in the open because I no longer want to live a lie. I am tired of being mocked and drawing attention to myself when I drool and get excited at the sight of milk bones and dog biscuits in the pet isle at the Acme.

And when I finally was forced to walk with two legs you cannot imagine how embarrassed I was when my friends would laugh hysterically as I would stop at almost every tree, sniff around and relieve myself at the tree of my choice on the way to school every day. To me this was natural. 

My goal in coming out is to make it easier for others in the future to also come out of the closet, or as the cruel, biased right-wing media has been fond of saying, the dog house.

I have always been a very caring and extremely affectionate person. I enjoy licking people no matter what color or sex they are and I am no longer willing to hold back.

And I will no longer be offended at anyone who calls me the "B" word. This is who I am. 

Sandra is changing her name to Scruffy, has been undergoing canine hormone therapy over the past two years and is proud to show off the beginnings of a new tail. 

She is being awarded the coveted Arthur Ashe Award for courage and loyalty. An overwhelming number of her classmates and neighbors admit Scruffy was and remains their best friend. 

Scruffy will be an honored guest when she is presented with the Ashe Award at the upcoming Snoop Dogg concert, her favorite performer, at his sold-out performance this September at Madison Square Garden.  

She said, "I think it is about time 'all of God's creatures' are free to be who they truly are without fearing what people think. 

"I just want to bite those who say God would never create someone in a wrong human body or in the body of the wrong species, as in my case.

"These things are happening everywhere and I am honored to be a pioneer to pave the way for those who will come after me. I really think I deserve a treat, not the scorn and abuse of those who refuse to understand."

Sandra is not without a sense of humor as she told us, "I am so dog-gone tired of all this negative coverage, I can just howl!"

Scruffy filed suit in New York district court on Monday against several right-wing news organizations claiming they have defrauded and violated her constitutional rights by their biased reporting.

The ASPCA and the ACLU both have announced they would cover all her attorney fees and court costs. 

CNN's Wolf Blitzer will host a special on Jones. Blitzer is just howling about the lack of fairness and understanding the conservative media and their proponents have shown toward those who feel they are "just not in the right body."

Bill O'Reilly of Fox News, has, in his talking points, recently called Jones, "one sick puppy", while Sean Hannity will be airing a program in late July entitled, "Who Let the Dogs Out?" 

Jones is thrilled at the kindness CNN has shown toward her. "I am big on loyalty so I love CNN. I am really tired of the right trying to put a leash on me. I will speak when asked and I refuse to be muzzled any longer!" 

Scruffy as part of her law suit against Fox News is saying the network has forfeited its right to use the word "Fox" in its name because of the network's demeaning treatment toward her. "The fox is such a close relative of the dog. It is abhorrent the network continues to use the term 'Fox' to describe itself."  

Greta Van Susteren said that, despite the law suit and her allegiance to Fox, she will be proactive in any case to make sure Scruffy is not chained by any of her adversaries.

Jones is already signed with a major Hollywood studio for rights to a full length movie about her life, which will aptly be called It's a Dog's Life

MGM has been speaking to Pitt Bull as well as Snoop Dogg about a starring role as Scruffy's dad. 

There have been rumors Metro Goldwyn Mayer will be forced by the courts to use a howling dog to replace its familiar roaring lion before the start of this feature film. "Why not give other animals the same opportunity as the lion?" asks Jones. 

The president of MGM, when asked about this historic substitution, simply shrugged his shoulders and said, "What can I do, the world is going to the dogs." 

If you haven't figured it out by now, this is a spoof, a satire, and it is not meant to mock the suffering experienced by those who identify as trans (or other). It is simply a reminder that perception is not reality. (The piece was, in fact, written by J.B. Bernstein, who can be reached at

It is also a cautionary tale, since there are people who truly believe they are partly (or entirely) animals, as I document in my forthcoming book Outlasting the Gay Revolution: Where Homosexual Activism Is Really Going and How to Turn the Tide. They actually claim to number in the hundreds of thousands. May God truly help them, along with all others whose perception of reality differs from reality itself.

Michael Brown is the author of 25 books, including Can You Be Gay and Christian? and host of the nationally syndicated talk radio show "The Line of Fire." He is also president of FIRE School of Ministry and director of the Coalition of Conscience.

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