Hundreds of Bernie Sanders supporters are expected to stage a Fart-In Thursday at the Democratic National Convention meeting in Philadelphia.
An assortment of Socialists, beatniks, and leftwing rabble-rousers plan to consume massive quantities of pork and beans in preparation for the pungent protest.
We have yet to ascertain why the liberals are passing gas—but the mass flatulence is expected to happen just moments before Hillary Clinton's acceptance speech.
U.S. News reports heavy containers laden with beans—both dry and canned—have already been shipped to the City of Brotherly Love. They plan to feast on a variety of selections, including navy, pinto, baked and lima (which emits a rather noxious fume).
"It shows the level of absolute disgust that we're at. We think we're going to remember 2016 as the year we begin to bury the two corporate political parties," Cheri Honkala told U.S. News.
Ms. Honkala is the national coordinator for the Poor People's Economic Human Rights Campaign, one of the groups behind the "Fart-In."
"It's really a shame—this whole thing does stink," she said. "Democrats and Republicans are like Pepsi and Coke. They listen to corporations and they don't listen to anti-poverty activists."
The plan is for activists to scarf down as many beans as possible and then wait for nature to run its course. As the songwriter once wrote, "Beans, beans, the magical fruit ... "
At the appointed hour, the protesters will corporately pass gas—both inside and outside the Wells Fargo Arena. And that has drawn a word of warning from meteorologists.
Thunderstorms are in the forecast and some weather guessers fear the static discharge from a lightning strike could cause the protestors to spontaneously combust.
Also, scientists have grave concerns that the sheer number of gassy liberals could blow a hole in the ozone from Philadelphia to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
Therefore, residents who live in the projected path of this foul wind should begin immediate preparations to protect themselves and their property.
FEMA has not issued an official advisory, but sources within the government tell me people living along the eastern seaboard should acquire gas masks and at least two cases of industrial strength Febreze.
To those of you down wind of the blast zone—God speed.
Todd Starnes is host of "Fox News & Commentary," heard on hundreds of radio stations. Sign up for his American Dispatch newsletter, be sure to join his Facebook page and follow him on Twitter. His latest book is The Deplorables' Guide to Making America Great Again.
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